Awkward Moments for Adoptive Families

Chances are, if you haven’t adopted, you know someone who has or wants to. So in an effort to educate you on how to be a better friend to these families, I present my Top 10 Adoptive Family Issues. I’m no expert, and every family is different, but these seem to be among the most common concerns and complaints I hear from fellow adopters. Hopefully you’ll learn something that will help you be more compassionate with those who choose to build their families through adoption!

1. When people began asking questions about William’s parents after he arrived home with us, my first instinct was to get defensive and say “What do you mean? We’re right here!” But I’ve learned to say, “we have a little information about them, but we’re thankful that he was taken care of until we could bring him home.” (If the questions continue, I let the person know that there are some parts of our adoption experience that are private.)
2. “I have a friend who couldn’t have children, and as soon as they adopted, she had one of her own.” Sure, the intentions are good. And yes, I know families where this happened. But while you might not mean anything by it when you say “one of your own”, this can be pretty hurtful to an adoptive family. William IS our own. Our names are on his birth certificate, he is our son, and we would do anything and everything to protect him. That story also makes it sound like families are settling for adoption because biology wasn’t on their side. When we chose to adopt, we did NOT settle. Our desire was to be parents, and God led us down the path that we travelled.
3. We are open with William about his adoption (on an age-appropriate basis). But we’ve also told him that what he wants to share is up to him. If you have questions about adoption, that’s fine. But it’s best not to ask them in the child’s presence. The child might not be aware of certain aspects of his/her adoption, might not want it to be a topic of discussion, or might get embarrassed about it. While William’s adoption is significant, it does not define who he is. Consider the family (and specifically) the child’s privacy.
4. Don’t belittle the birth parents. You don’t know their circumstances. And in almost every case, their choices gave the child better opportunities and better chances.
5. There are so many adoption horror stories out there, and adoptive families have heard plenty of them. So don’t make it your mission to tell them about your best friend’s cousin’s roommate’s butcher's adoption nightmare. They are aware of the risks, and they need your support more than your criticism. As we learned by watching Bambi, “if you can’t say somethin’ nice…” (the situation is different if you are speaking from personal experience, but even then, use extreme caution and care)
6. Adoption is expensive. If you have a genuine interest in adoption and want to find out costs, that’s one thing. But never ask a family how much their child cost.
7. And on the topic of finances, “If you can’t afford adoption, how will you be able to afford a child?” If you have biological children, you probably didn’t have to fork over $20-50k at the hospital. Families that are trying to raise funds for adoption might not have that kind of money sitting around. That’s a lot different than having the funds necessary for everyday upbringing and care of children.
8. “He is so lucky,” “You are such good people,” “it takes a special kind of person to do that”… We are not saints. We don’t have some sort of magical abilities that make us right for adoption. The thing that we do have is a heart that is open to God’s will. And as Christians, we are ALL called to orphan care. (James 1:27). We are NOT all called to adopt. But we are supposed to provide care to orphans in some way. Are you a Christian? If so, how are you answering God’s call?
9. For those with multiple children, I’ve heard of getting the question, “Are they real brother/sisters/siblings?” I know what the person means, but first of all, that’s a personal question. And most people I know that encountered this question got it from strangers. The strangers will sometimes even ask the child! Are you kidding me?!? Second, it discounts adoption and pretty much labels it as “fake”. If you don’t know, it’s probably not any of your business anyway, so don’t ask.
10. The best thing you can do for an adoptive family is support and encourage them. Offer up prayers, help them financially if they are trying to raise funds for adoption, provide them with a meal when they arrive back home, get together with mutual friends and stock their pantry or decorate their yard for their arrival back home (this is especially nice for international adoptions where the family has been gone for a long time), clean the house for them, run errands for them, ooh and ahh over their new child*, and just be their friend.

* Limit physical contact with the child. The parents are trying to form a bond with the child. I’ll write more about this topic another day!